astrology humor

Top 10 Types of Astrologers To Avoid

Top 10 Types of Astrologers to AvoidAfter being around the astrological community for a while you start to get a sense of the different types of groups or factions within the community.

Different sorts of people with different interests tend to be attracted to certain specialized approaches within the community.

And there’s nothing wrong with that, really.

But just in case you’d like to avoid falling in among some of these groups, I’ve compiled a list of different types of astrologers that you should probably avoid.

1.  Astrologers Who Are Into The Secret

The SecretA few years ago this movie called The Secret came out, and it was about how individual people have this extraordinary power to change their lives simply by changing their thoughts.  They call this power the “Law of Attraction”, and they say that you can “attract” anything you want in your life simply by thinking about it a lot, or something.

Now, this isn’t really anything new, since people have been trying to sell the Law of Attraction since at least the early 20th century, but with the release of The Secret this particular brand of magical thinking gained a whole new following, and many of them happen to be astrologers.

Astrologers who are into The Secret will tell you that while you may have certain predispositions in your birth chart, nothing is fixed, and essentially the whole endeavor of astrology becomes invalid if you simply exercise the Law of Attraction by imagining what you would like your life to look like.  Often times this involves simply imagining that astrology doesn’t work, which only appears to be strangely contradictory…

Sometimes these guys go off the deep end and start trying to get everyone they know to watch The Secret and to believe in the Law of Attraction.  Sometimes this can get kind of ugly,  with interventions and such:

2. The “Vedic” Astrologer

Sri Swami Joe the PlumberThese guys are normal western astrologers who switched to Indian astrology at some point after becoming dissatisfied with the techniques of modern astrology, probably in the 90’s when “Vedic” astrology and MC Hammer were all the rage.  Prior to this time most Indian astrologers just called it “Jyotish”.  Actually, most of the ones that are actually from India still do.

The typical example is the guy from Nebraska whose name used to be Joe, but now he goes by Sri Swami Joe Patchouli, and he tells you that you need to recite the Mars mantra 1,000 times in order to avoid the effects of Kujadosha.  If that doesn’t work then you may need to get a gemstone that has been consecrated at an astrologically auspicious time, or do some yoga or something.

3. The Hardcore “Traditional” Astrologer

Saint William LillyThese people also became dissatisfied with the techniques of modern western astrology at some point in the past, but unlike the Vedic astrologers they just looked back a few centuries into the western tradition and memorized the most authoritative looking text they could find.   These are the traditional astrologers who quote ancient texts like they were the bible, constantly referring to Saint Lilly, and the Prophet Ptolemy (peace be upon him).

Sometimes they try to cut their ties with modern astrology by berating modern astrologers constantly, living out their dreams of having a career as a stand up comedian even though they got stuck with this lousy astrology gig.

These guys don’t use those newfangled outer planets the kids these days use.  They like their astrology like they like their underwear.  Old.  And used.

4. The Overly Technical Modern Astrologer

astrological chart with lots of stuffThis is the overly technical astrologer who is into Uranian astrology and uses over 300 celestial bodies in every chart delineation, although about 98% of them are hypothetical planets, and all of them have a 360 degree orb.

Sometimes the overly technical modern astrologer comes in the form of the person who swears by obscure techniques, like secondary converse progressions involving the mid-point between the vertex and transpluto.

Other times it is just the astrologer who likes to include at least 20,000 of the known asteroids in any given chart.   At least.

5. The Karmic/Past Life Astrologer

With the karmic/past life astrologer everybody with anything aspecting one of their nodes was a lover, family member, arch-nemesis or pet turtle from another life.

Also, no one was a nobody in a past life, everyone was Cleopatra or George Washington.

6.  The Age of Aquarius Astrologer

The Age of Aquarius astrologer is the guy who keeps predicting that the Age of Aquarius is about to break out any day now due to the next upcoming alignment of (fill in the blank), although they have been doing it for over 20 years now.   One suspects that they often break out into song and dance randomly in the following fashion:

This is somewhat similar to the “Mayan” astrologer who swears that in 2012 either the world will end, the Age of Aquarius will dawn, world peace will ensue, or aliens will invade Earth and enslave humanity.  Its definitely one of those four though.

7. The Financial Astrologer Who Drives a Pinto

pintoThis is the astrologer who is heavily involved in stock market trading and has a huge subscription mailing list that is read by several Fortune 500 CEOs, although for some reason they still drive a 1970 Ford Pinto.

They say that its because the Pinto is a “chick magnet”, but there is something about the lettering on the side of their car that reads “world’s best financial astrologer” that makes you suspect that the last time that they got laid was sometime before the car was manufactured.

8. The Psycho-logical Astrologer

The psychological astrologer who keeps trying to convince you that a certain configuration in your chart indicates that you are repressing memories of being molested, despite the fact that you are pretty sure you weren’t.  Well, mostly sure…

9. The Annoying Sun-sign Astrologer

The annoying Sun-sign astrologer is the one who keeps saying that you are such a (insert zodiac sign here).   A typical Sun-sign column of this nature reads:

Dear Cancer, you are such a Cancer!!
Stop being crabby!

The other more extreme version of the annoying Sun-sign astrologer looks something like this (avoid watching if you have just eaten):


10. People who call themselves “Astrologists”

Who uses the word “astrologist”?   Seriously?

(11.)  The Smarmy Astrology Blogger That Satirizes Other Astrologers

James RandiThis one is the worst.  Avoid at all costs.  He probably has a picture of James Randi up on his wall, which he looks at longingly as he writes his smarmy posts.  Diabolical.






(Note: This is satire.  Don’t take it too seriously.  Really.)

(In the event that you do though, please send all hate mail to Rob Hand at 555 Fake Address Lane, Worchester, MA, 38203. )

Thanks to contributors Patrick Watson, Austin Coppock and Meredith Garstin for ideas.

37 replies on “Top 10 Types of Astrologers To Avoid”

Nobody is perfect. Especially in a somewhat “cranky occupation” like astrology, it must be even more difficult to appear “normal”. So we have to “deal” with your 10 categories, all or none of them.

But think of e.g. Carthomancy: how many sets and varieties of games were needed for “something” to survive, despite all sorts of interdictions (Vatican, army generals, other potentates).

But you have stimulating views, congratulations.

My sentiments exactly on the stupid secret!! So funny – I luv every bit of this. So many different astrologers that are out there came up in my mind for each category and it is just fun to laugh about it. Thanks for brightening my day.

I really wish you had included the term “astro-psychology” in #8, because I know like 26 astrologers who claim to have “invented” it.

Including this guy:

Great work, Chris, Merre, Watson and Baron!

Oh that was fun! I had trouble deciding who to vote for. I was hung up between the The Secret, The Overly Technical and The Astrologists. In the end I went with the Astrologists because I am such a Virgo!

BAH! This was great. Astrologist was seriously the one that made me laugh out loud. Some of the radio shows I’m on just can’t get it in their head that I’m an astroloGER even though I’ve said it several times. It cracked me up.

But I had to vote for The Secret. Because, seriously.

So, oh wise one, what type of astrologer SHOULD we go to?

People should go to the type of astrologer who doesn’t send hit men or ninjas to kill me after reading this article.

Well, I am Cancer and I am crabby- sometimes 🙂
Seriously, I can’t believe you left out the psyhco- logists out of the voting. As you can imagine, I’m one of those typical North Node/Pluto/Moon conjunctions in the 4th who has a really bad relationship with my mother and I’ll never get over it.
Prozac anyone?

Oops. I didn’t realize that that one got left out. Looks like I can only have 10 options with this sort of poll. I’ll try to fix it now.

Seems a pretty good list.

You might want to include astrologers:
who tell you they are great and have lots of clients
who have little awareness of the last 150yrs of psychological research
without a good understanding of the free will/fate philosophical problem.
who say ‘it works for me’
under the age of 30 (with a few exceptions)
who say you don’t need books just do hundreds of charts

i voted for the trad astrologer option as a lot of these folks ought to know better (and often do, but can’t be bothered and/or aren’t disposed to put in the study time to learn about serious contemporary astrology)

Nice work, refreshing wit, the art needs it!
my vote goes to all on the list & i agree with ‘Charlie’s’ additions & then some, like;
– ‘astrologers’ who don’t get the 20th C’s over (albeit just), with it’s own place in history;
– those who can’t seem to practice technique without ‘having’ to use other crutches such as numerology, palmistry, ink blots, colour tests, personality indexes, channelling a ‘master’, or are ‘psychic’, ‘artistic’/autistic, whatever…;
– the ‘teaching’ astrologer who professes to turn anyone into an instant astrologer, just do this workshop (or the next – they did…);
– the ‘star of my own lunchbox’ astrologer;
& many more… … but we won’t ramble on now.

Hey, don’t you go messin’ with the Trad King himself Mister Frawley! Oh, unless he insists on using only the day formula for the Part of Fortune. Then have at him. Kidding!

this is too awesome. i especially loved the ‘astrologists’ bit. hahah. whenever i see someone refer to an astrologer as an astrologist… /wrists …Not because i’m anal or a grammar nazi but.. well maybe it is.

I may be a Debrah come lately, but I loved this article, seriously funny and oh, so true… By the way I have been enjoying your site and your ideas as a general rule since running across you via Young Astrologer’s forum; so do keep on truckin…

I love astrology and most of the folks who practice/adore it. That said, some folks I have run across over the years, really do have a screw or several loose, others simply are mean spirited when it comes to new, or any form of alternative idea to whatever logic or magical thinking system they learned on, disseminate, or now routinely employ in their work.

Hmmn, just because someone is older, or published, does not mean they know it all! OTH, being young and earnest perhaps with a astro degree from some internet course, does not always mean one with piece of paper on wall, is more qualified either, with one or two notable course exceptions; the way I see it, this is probably one field where one person simply can’t have ALL the answers, and one can’t always get along with everyone else, the field is simply too vast, the people in it way too varied and individually quirky or too spiritually charged for the real world experience; the only thing we astrologer’s seem to agree on, is that we disagree bout nearly everything! Heed Chris’ advice and do not allow yourself to get caught in an elevator or classroom, or worse a barstool, with any one of the above 10 types without an escape route or planned exit strategy after some polite nods to keep em happy till the men with butterfly nets arrive,or their own groupies take em away to bask in the reflected light of their lord and master/mistress guru!

The best one can hope for is to get really well versed/schooled in some part of the knowledge tree and then be able to plant a few astro seedlings along the way.

The one good thing is that now with the internet it is much easier to pursue astrology than it was when I was young. I was truly isolated, even finding books was really tough; forget about an actual teacher/mentor, it was the late 1970’s before I even found a few likeminded others to exchange ideas with! Then when computer’s came along, it was as if my small world completely changed and opened up, anything and everything became possible.

My generation suffered from not enough access to information, while today’s, may suffer from an access overload. These day’s any Tom, Dick or Swami can create a website and call themselves an astrologer and offer a course online… Either way, one has to be careful and filter what’s valid, and what’s not, and open one’s mind to allow for other possibilities. Hopefully like Nemo, one learns to swim in the deep, deep, vast waters and learns not to get eaten by sharks, whales, or not caught in nets, or placed in bowls along the way and one gets lucky and finds some good friends/mentors to stay the course and help share the experience…

Some astrologers with big rep seem to feel it must be their way or the highway; what’s more the student groupies sometimes are even worse when jumping to defend their master/mistress position on a matter.

I have been studying astrology for many many years, but I never want to stop learning or improving my understanding of it, hence I have no problem with folks who do things differently than I do, and if they can convince me there is something to whatever they are doing then I am willing to give it a go and check it out and I will incorporate it into my own work should I think it valid and I connect with it in a meaningful way. I grew up with basic Western tropical Placidus system but have routinely used/tested several different house systems over the years for different purposes. I also began to read about, pursue other ideas, and have also dabbled with Eshelman FA style sidereal style, and now am learning all about the whole sign way of doing things. It is all quite fascinating and I say keep your mind open and then do whatever works best for you but do try to specialize in one area or your head may explode,LOL. Just don’t belittle me, if my individualistic way, ain’t exactly your way, or da great guru author _____ you’re emulating now…

Keep up the good work, Chris and really enjoy your snarks, posts, blogs, insights!

I had to laugh! It’s like an outline of my astrological evolution over the last 40 years! I started out a spiritual astrologer (whatever that is!), became a humanistic astrologer, abandoned that for something more technical until being an uber-technigeek drove me crazy and I abandoned that for Vedic, which I abandoned because I couldn’t manage the vocabulary and couldn’t relate to myself having a Moon in Libra and Venus in Cancer instead of Moon in Scorpio, Venus in Leo. (I’m very emotionally attached to my Venus in Leo!) Now, I’m very ‘mundane’, a word I hate, because it also means boring, unexciting and superficial, when in its original astro meaning, it was ‘of the world’ or ‘worldly.’ That I like. But anyway, I appreciate the humor of it all…in many ways, I think we should avoid all astrologers and astrologists and learn all of the techniques, methods and approaches ourselves–who needs the priesthood anyway?

After dissing so many different types of astrologer, which astrologers are left that are okay astrologers? Your sort? After the amount of prejudice astrology receives in general, I didn’t think I would find an astrologer who prejudices other astrologers. Perhaps you should start an astrological religion that is ‘the only correct one” compared to all the rest.

Sorry – I actually missed the bit where you said it was satire and not to take it seriously – I read that after I had posted! I did watch ‘The Secret’ DVD you posted, and that was seriously funny.

hillarious! love it!

I am an astrology student myself. this reflects so well all the junk material I come across whilst I try to learn the real deal.

no one is perfect. present day world require research on fundamental
aspects. immediate requirement is whether we can heal the people who are suffering from different diseases by utilizing astrology as a tool?

Wow, Chris, this post is hilarious. Love it! Glad Sarah put it on FcBk, ’cause I hadn’t seen it before.

Financial astrologer who drives a Pinto? HA! I think I know one, no, he’s an astrologist. Excuse me.

Your response to the “robot sent from the future” made me laugh out loud. I give him/her much credit for writing back. Would love to see more of your satirical side! Thanks for brightening my day.

Little known fact:

In my very old marketing material, I discovered myself saying I was an “Astrologist”! *gasp*

That’s when I wasn’t much of an Astrologer. 😉 I was scratching the surface at the time with what I knew about Planet to Sign combos, and other chart insights seen. I even did well with it but I never offered it as a full session (only a starting point to a session where I mostly did tarot — now I mostly do astrology!).

I knew about 10% of what I know today. Moral of the story? If someone calls themselves an “Astrologist”, you may well glean, with confidence, that they don’t know much about in depth “Astrology”. 😛

So #10 is bang-on accurate and I’ve just supplied the answer to your question (I used it! LOL)! haha

That is actually a pretty good point Abella. Most of the time the only people who I have seen using the term “astrologist” are either people that are outside the astrological community and don’t know that that isn’t the preferred designation, or people who are very new to the astrological community. Of course, there are some exceptions.

Chris, this is good! Some of the “science literacy” Wikipedia editors have tried to replace all instances of “astrologer” with “astrologist,” presumably in an attempt to bastardize and characterize astrology as a degrading pseudoscience deserving of their excoriation. It’s interesting to note that “astrologist” is actually pejorative on both sides of the debate, and for similar reasons.

Both science literates and astrology literates can be said to have a commonly accepted word for fraudulent, unethical, and phony practitioners. There are ten types of astrologists worthy of scorn, as you have so aptly pointed out. Wider recognition of this is a big step in the right direction.

Really? That’s ridiculous. Is this still ongoing, or were you able to get them to stop Ken? If it is still happening then you should send me a link so that I can check it out.